My specialty in coaching is helping people manage their personal transitions, how they respond to external change. By “transition” I mean a reaction to a change in a situation, roles, relationships, or life views significant enough to affect how you function. You may lose a job or move to a new town on a specific date, but your emotional response and personal timeline for truly connecting to the new situation depend on many factors. If you are also going through other changes such as marriage, divorce, or a change in health, your transition may prove more challenging. A transition may also be something you wanted that did not happen for you, such as not being able to retire or not becoming a parent or grandparent.
In a successful transition, you will go through three basic stages. The first stage is the letting go or ending. Psychologically speaking, what are you saying good bye to? The old job or home may represent a certain status or sense of security. The former workplace may represent deeply held relationships. Endings don’t happen by a chronological calendar. They can also be messy, and the more endings you are dealing with, the more you need to process what is really ending and what, psychologically speaking, remains constant. I advise clients who feel overwhelmed by endings to focus on the one or two that are most challenging.
Once you begin to let go, you enter the second stage, seesaw place between the old and the new. In fact, you may actually have established your new home or started your new job, but emotionally you are not fully connected with the new situation. On the surface, things might be going smoothly, but you feel “not really myself.” You may feel confused, fatigued, forgetful, excited, or self-doubting, ungrounded. These are normal and healthy responses to change in this Discomfort Zone. It is also a time for great creativity and experimentation because the old way, the old rules, have dissolved and you are free to explore who you are and what you want in your own unique way. Recognize that you may be less productive than normal. It often helps if you can talk with friends, keep a journal, or warm yourself with personal, comforting routines like walking or reading. This limbo stage is also a great time to take stock about what matters in your life and what things you might do differently.
The third stage of transition is the new way, the engagement, the acceptance. You begin to experience a reintegration, a feeling that the new life is the “normal” way, and you think more about the future than the past. You are invested in making things work.
These stages of transition are fluid and overlap, and in each stage, you are likely to feel a back and forth pull. For example, while in the in-between stage, you may need to go back to an ending you have not completed. The longing for your old friends or your old house may require more acknowledgement and mourning before you can move forward.
Trying to avoid these stages is unhealthy and will rebound on you eventually, so focus on understanding each stage and recognize the normal signals of transitional stages. You can then manage your transitions and leverage their creative power for your new life chapter.
